


Because I wanted to.

by somebodysomeplace1



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Claustrophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Comforts Eddie Diaz, Fluff, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27341383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodysomeplace1/pseuds/somebodysomeplace1
Summary: After being buried alive Eddie puts up a show of being okay but he obviously isn’t. With Chris away at camp Eddie falls apart almost every night in private while putting on a front at work. After a grueling shift while Buck had the day off, Eddie comes home to Buck there with a full cook dinner. Eddie appreciates Buck’ efforts but tries to be stoic. That all goes out the window when Buck promptly climbs into Eddie’s lab and tenderly kisses his fading bruises.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 144





	Because I wanted to.

**Author's Note:**

> tw. claustrophobia

Trying to push down how you feel, especially the ones that take a toll on you, has never been beneficial for anyone. It’s possible to tell yourself that you’re fine. Maybe you can suppress your feelings long enough that eventually they disperse; leaving you with a weight bigger than anything that you’ve ever felt because you have been holding onto something for so long. There is also a part of you that knows that it won’t help you and never will. But to acknowledge that you are not okay instead of beating yourself up every waking second of the day, is not that easy either. And Eddie out of all people has been trying to accept that.

This crushing feeling of the walls closing in on him has been, most of the time, one of the things that keeps him going everyday. Being used as a sign that almost being buried alive completely changes how he goes about things. But Eddie knows that using his own traumatic experience as a sign instead of truly allowing himself to feel, is what makes him the opposite of okay.

In the restricted area it makes him sweat. His hands start to become sweaty as he shuffles in his bed. The water starts to make its way into his stream. Becoming one with his body. Making it hard to breathe with the suffocating feeling that is taking over, with the blackening of his view as the walls become closer, and the sweating of his hands. But the feeling of how he did feel alerts him; waking him with fear.

Rubbing his hands vigorously through his hair, Eddie starts to feel a stream of tears roll down his cheek. He can’t exactly pin-point the moment he started crying, but the tears are there.

“Get it together.” he whispers to himself, trying to get an encouraging thought through his brain. And although talking to himself is something he does often, right now it doesn’t seem to help.

Looking at his clock on his bedside table it reads 5:04am. So without thinking he gets up and gets ready for work, ignoring the fact that he had a nightmare again, and how he is ragingly exhausted from the lack of sleep and how this has been an endless cycle since his son left for camp.

Eddie knows that he is not fully okay, but he sure as hell is trying to be.

“That was an incredible save.” Chimney encourages as he shakes Eddie’s shoulders as they head towards the locker. Their shift has finally come to an end- back to back calls- but nevertheless, tiring.

“Yeah it was.” Eddie smiles, sitting himself down on the bench “Glad we get to go home though.”

Hen turns to him, pointing a finger “Agreed. I just wanna go home and relax.”

When Eddie finishes lacing up his boots, he stands up from his spot and grabs the last of his things in his locker.

“Well.” he says as he closes the locker door “Have a nice night.” and with that he was out the door.

Opening the door to his home, Eddie sets his keys down by the front door and places his jacket in the closet. Eddie can’t exactly pin-point the exact time when he has been so excited to go home from a shift, but today is definitely one of those days.

Reaching for his phone in his pocket he sees two missed calls from Buck and he now knows two things. One, that exhaustion has pretty much taken over his body due to his shift, and two, that a set of eyes are watching him.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie says without turning around, already making his way down the hall

“I made you dinner.” Buck sing-songs

Eddie rolls his eyes at him, a grin apparent on his face as he turns to face him. “And why would you do that?”

Buck’s footsteps become louder as he makes his way over to him.

“Because I wanted to.”

“Because you wanted to?”

“Because I wanted to.” he says firmly.

Eddie looks up at the man in front of him, wearing a challenging face that he now mirrors as well.

“Okay.” Eddie starts as he makes his way over to the kitchen table, brushing past Buck on the way. “Okay.” he whispers once again.

Buck takes the empty seat, occupying the space beside him.

“How was work?” he says, already digging into the vegetables he had prepared for them

Eddie shrugs, picking at his plate in front of him. If he could change the subject and convert it so that it wasn't about him and how he feels, he would. But alas, he can not.

“It was alright, I guess.”

Buck looks back up at him, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “Alright?”

“Yeah I suppose. I mean, nothing really happened, and then we got to come home. So it was ‘alright’.”

“You gotta give me more than that Eds.” Buck starts “Nothing exciting?”

Eddie shakes his head no, just watching over at his plate in front of him that he’d had prepared for him. And yet, even as he smiles at the thought of someone making food for him makes him happy, the smile that he does doesn’t quite reach his eyes like they usually do. Instead, he pushes his chair back, getting up at a slow rate that is way slower than a 30-year old man should be going, and how he knows Buck will tease him for later, and heads to the living- taking a seat on the couch.

After a few seconds, Buck makes a start to the living room as well.

“Sorry.” Eddie says, the word barely making its way through his teeth

Without saying anything, Buck takes a seat beside him. “What’s on your mind Eddie?”

Eddie turns to face him, not quite meeting the younger man’s eyes. As he tries to make out some words, going over all of the possible things that he can spill out and tell him that are lying on the tip of his tongue, the pressing feeling of someone leaning into him draws his attention.

Buck, now leaning into his chest, interlaces their hands. For a second, he looks up at Eddie- staring at him with such warmth in his eyes that it does things to his little heart.

“I’m listening.” Buck assures him

Eddie looks blankly ahead at the television. But after a second, he lets out a low sigh.

“I’m- I just-.” he sighs once again, trying to come up with the right words “The walls, they...”

He starts crying. And he knows it may be absurd to be crying over something that he hasn’t even admitted to himself, at least out loud. But he is crying because it’s just so f*cking-

“You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.” Buck explains as he wipes at his cheeks

Eddie lets out a wet laugh from all the tears . “No I want to.”

Buck nods his head. Allowing him to go on.

“The walls, they seem to be closing in. And I don’t mean physically or anything, but every time that I close my eyes all I can seem to think about is that day. Being underground, helpless and worried. How I felt was terrifying and something that hasn’t gone away since.” he paused for a moment, wiping at his eyes “Sure at work I put on a brave face and look fine, but the panic and clustered feeling of that day makes it hard to sleep.”

“And how does that make you feel?” Buck questions

“Confused. I don’t know, maybe I am meant to-”

“No, I know how this stuff goes.” he interrupts “You don’t deserve to feel like this. You deserve better and you need to know that."

Eddie looks down at him, bringing their hands up to his lips as he places a soft kiss to it.

“I guess I was trying to ignore it. That if I did I could eventually rid myself of those feelings. I guess what I didn’t realize is that acknowledging how I feel and talking about them could be helpful.” Eddie smiles

“People deal with things in different ways.” Buck smiles back. He gently kisses the bruising marks on his arms, marking them in a way that only the two of them will be aware of.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Eddie smiles back down at his boyfriend, wanting to kiss the smug look off his face. But as he is about to lean in, they are interrupted by the sound of a ring.

Picking it up, he sees that it is an incoming call from Chris’ camp counselor- Chris calling in to do his daily check ups.

Eddie starts to smile as he answers the phone.

“Hey buddy.”

“Hi dad.” Chris answers excitingly

Eddie still has a lot to talk about. But he knows that being surrounded by people who love him and he loves back, he can always reach out. When he and Buck get off the phone with Christopher, they continue their conversation in the private of his home where he knows that the man that he is so deeply in love with will listen.

To acknowledge that you are not okay instead of beating yourself up every waking second of the day, is not that easy. And Eddie out of all people has been trying to accept that.

The crushing feeling of the walls closing in on him has been, most of the time, one of the things that keeps him going everyday. Being used as a sign that almost being buried alive completely changes how he goes about things. Eddie knows that using his own traumatic experience as a sign instead of truly allowing himself to feel, is what makes him the opposite of okay.

But he also knows that he is going to be okay.


End file.
